Tonight my heart is heavy. Annie left for Colombia, with stops along the way to visit friends and loved ones. This in itself is a good thing, but her absence will be sorely felt. Even today when I came home this afternoon and the light was left on in her room I wondered, “Is Annie home?” and then remembered, “ Oh yeah, she’s not here anymore.”
I found out Friday my Mom’s diagnosis of cancer was the worst it could be. “Aggressive, invasive, can’t do surgery on an 83 year old woman. . .”
So many things unknown or unfinished. I found this “advice column” I wrote for myself after sending some “words of wisdom" to a friend. I’d wondered, “Gee, what would I tell myself. . .”
Dear Abby,
My son, home for about 18 months has really been regressing in the area of anger management. He is also far more hostile to our younger, bio son. He admits that he is mad that Daniel has had parents all his life and he has only had us since he was 10. He has also made comments that his newly adopted 9 yo sister needs to get a lot of attention now because she is new. Our life is becoming unbearable with the constant bickering and baiting.
Any suggestions?
Signed, hair pulling, war torn PAP
Dear Pap
It sounds like Kai is really struggling in the area of family identity and acceptance. Remember since he knows he was rejected once and placed and replaced in foster care he can not be SURE of the “forever” aspect of this forever family. He wants to believe you and is willing to discuss his fear, but he is still being driven by past experience to lash out at what he sees as a threat.
Evidently he knows he can not lash out at Sarah-Grace. Perhaps because she shares, in part, his “story” with her and perhaps because he has invested in the waiting period and therefore realizes the intrinsic worth of this sister, while Daniel just came as “part of the package”
His constant declarations that Taiwan is better may be a plea for you to say, “but we want you HERE”--just like we wanted Sarah-Grace here for all those months.
I would suggest you make opportunities to encourage him as part of the family. Praise him for jobs well done. Make meaningful physical contact and eye contact with him. Bring him small gifts from time to time since he sees this as part of love.
Here are some things you can work on each day--
On Sunday-- make sure he knows you THANK GOD FOR HIM when you worship and pray. Tell him how much you especially thought about him and missed him on Sundays before he came home to live with you. How you felt an empty spot in your heart because he was not here.
On Monday--tell him how glad you are that he is homeschooled now. Find a recent school accomplishment and stress the mastery. Infuse hope by painting a bright picture of what he will be able to do some day with that talent or skill.
On Tuesday--Remind him how good he is in a group setting. Tell him how much you admire him for his outgoing and fun loving ways. Tell him you are sure there are other kids in co-op who would appreciate his friendship and ask him to be thinking about reaching out to a friend. Try to remember on the way home to ask him how it went that day.
Wednesday--Tell him how big and strong he is getting as he gets ready for soccer. Tell him he is athletic and competent in the field. Tell him Uncle Doug likes having him on the team.
Thursday--Make sure you give him several hugs today and make him something he really likes for one of his meals. Make sure he knows you made it because HE wanted it.
Friday--Tell him how fun it is to see him go off to volley ball with JWB. Tell him how Tim and JWB always enjoyed playing and how it is so nice to see 3 of your kids playing now! Tell him you are looking forward to watching his team in the tournament and you know he will do his best and be kind and play with a good heart.
Saturday--Can be your day of rest. Pray for Kai. Express with gestures, words, eyes positives when you interact. Wait for him to come to you on this day instead of seeking him out. Make SURE you make time for him whenever he comes!
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Pretty good advice, but I have not diligently followed much of it.
I’m so thankful tomorrow is a NEW DAY!
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”
--2 Cor. 4:8-10
